anger. really. big. anger.

i dont know why i have it. but its been like a lowgrade fever all my life. there. lingering. waiting to bubble up at the slightest provocation. what kind of provocation. well, usually its when affronted by some lack of rightness about things. about life. someone that shoulda got theirs didnt. or someone that i deem shady tries to pull a fast one. somehow i always ALLLLWAYS take it personally. no matter how much coaxing of my inner child to be still and calm i do. its personal.

i want things to be right.
things to be happy and calm.
but in wanting that... i usually go about it by rendering un-happy-ness and un-calm-ness. by demanding outright that things be just so.

and then the end i want eludes.
vapor dances away.
like trying to catch that clump of conditioner spilled in the tub.
in the grasp and yet gone.

and all my digging around in my grey matter is not giving me an answer.

i cannot find the root of the anger.

bc if i could.
it would be unrooted.
and perhaps the elusive clump caught and the rightness of happy and calm settled still.